i honestly think i’ve been subconsciously avoiding this blog post for… just about a year now. not because it’s uncomfortable to talk about, but because – i think – by writing about it, it’s actually real.
and it is.
another piece of waiting so long to write anything at all is the fact that i’ve been trying to understand endometriosis itself. it’s something that – i’ve learned – is hard to understand.
so, i’m finally taking a shot at writing about my endo journey and what this past year [and before then] has looked like. and you know? if i can help even one person NOT feel alone on this wild endometriosis ride [and everything else health-wise that it has led to…] that is enough. if i can share about the way in which Jesus is holding my suffering in His hands and handing me joy, too, then that is enough. if i’ve learned anything over the past year or so, it’s simply that there is truly no such thing as wasted suffering when we bring it to Jesus. [even – if at times – i’m yelling and kicking and screaming about it all when i do bring it to Him!]
to get up to speed, i’m sharing here an insta post i’d posted the day before my laparoscopic surgery that led to my official diagnosis.
April 29, 2021: 2 wednesdays ago, i went to the ER with severe lower right abdominal pain. the long story short – they found two large cysts on both of my ovaries and gave me a probable diagnosis of endometriosis. tomorrow we’ll remove both cysts, scar tissue, endometrial cells, and anything else that shouldn’t be there.
at my pre-op apt on Tuesday, as i sat in the hospital chair, the nurse asked a bajillion pre-op questions. i honestly spaced out a bit as she went through medical history, prescriptions, supplements, etc.
and then she asked this: “how many pregnancies have you had?” my heart stopped in that moment. “two,” i responded. “and how many births?” “one,” i said.
i could almost feel the air leave my lungs. there will always be a missing piece, a little soul we’ll only hold in Heaven.
i looked down at my shoes and realized that for as much as i’m excited for this surgery to solve my pain issues, the reality is is that we’ve been trying to grow our family for about 5 months and haven’t been able to.
it’s been a journey of hope + disappointment + lots of opportunities to grow in ✨TRUST✨ most of all.
to me, the ER visit was a blessing in disguise because everything has been in fast forward since then. blood work. CT scans. ultrasounds. next up: surgery.
so here we are, the day before it all. and the nurse’s next words still remain with me, too: “do you want to have more kids?” “YES!” – i startled myself because i semi-screamed my response to her question.
our hearts long for more kiddos. Cal would be an incredible big sis to more babies earth-side. and yet still – even if, even when – we have right now. this life. each other. His grace. & will i allow myself to let this be enough?
yes we want more babies! and yet, i don’t want to be consumed by sadness and grief if we never have more babies. i so desire to revel in the story He’s writing for us + find treasure in it ALL – even if, even when. 🤍
surgery went well. doctors found and removed two large softball sized cysts – one from each ovary. i recovered well, too + felt for the first time in a LONG time that i was on the up and up. my doctor let me know that now, it was more or less of a waiting game to see what – if anything – would return. the cysts could return right away, down the road or never… and only time would tell.
for as much as i was excited about feeling well again [it legit felt like they’d removed bricks from my lower abdomen!], i was simultaneously feeling incredibly defeated. HOW could it be that we could go through all of THIS only to play a waiting game to see what, if anything would return.
i asked a million and two questions about what i could be doing to take care of my health from the inside out. i asked a million and two questions about HOW and WHY cysts grew. i asked a million and two times for bloodwork to be done. and a million and three times, i was left with few, if any, of the answers i knew would be of benefit.
amidst all of this, i was also informed that between 6 weeks and 6 months post surgery would be ‘prime-time’ to conceive again…
so between wondering if and when i’d grow more cysts resulting in unbearable pain again, the pressure [that i put on myself to feel…] to have another baby was on.
as an aside, let me be clear: i am PRO-SCIENCE. i am also PRO-ALTERNATIVES. i am also PRO-DOING YOUR OWN RESEARCH. both/and. my doctors did the BEST they knew how to do, i am really confident of that. i also realized during this time that medical doctors aren’t always equipped to have the answers we desire, and THAT’S OKAY. surprising? yes – because we live in a world and society that promotes treating the SYMPTOMS and not the ROOT CAUSES of our experiences. at this time, through frustration, i realized that there ARE other paths to take. both/and. it’s not something i’d seriously considered before.
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time continued on and at the end of 2021 [about 8 months post-surgery], i was beginning again to feel really awful. to the point that my body physically hurt in a similar way i’d experienced when my cysts were at their worst. even MWB putting his hand on my back sent shivers through my body, i was so sensitive. what’s more? i’d ovulate and my entire body hurt for 24 hours or more, so you can imagine how likely we were to get pregnant. moreover, i’d go to bed each night excessively bloated.
very little made sense to me. and in my gut, i knew that there was something more going on.
not to mention, my mid-afternoon slump. every day, it would get to about 1p in the afternoon and i’d STRUGGLE to keep my eyes open and fight against myself because all i wanted was to nap. no amount of caffeine could shake me from my body’s desire to rest.
JANUARY 2022 rolled around and i told MWB through tears that i was in so much pain again and thought my cysts were back. i’d tried to schedule an appointment at my doctor’s office because of the intense pain, but wouldn’t be seen until the end of March. another wave of defeat and confusion. another wave of frustration and wanting to yell from the rooftops: SOMEONE HELP ME!
i felt really lost and really unseen. it’s a hard place to be when there is so much ‘healthcare’ and so many ‘health experts and professionals’ around. WHY couldn’t anyone tell me what the heck was happening with my body and what my next steps should be? [okay side tangent that i’ll most likely dig into at some point down the road: WHY is it that more money is being funneled into healthcare than ever before AND WE ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY MORE SICK than we have ever been…? food for thought, literally.]
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through a crazy series of events, one of our gym friends briefly mentioned The Wellness Way clinics and the help she’d found in them for a variety of health issues she was struggling with. i’d heard her talk about it on a few different occasions and was always so impressed by what i’d heard from her. she was on the up and up because of the care she was receiving.
another reason what she shared peaked my interest: when you’re desperately in pain and desperate to FEEL healthy + to be heard and understood: you’re typically open to much more than you might be otherwise.
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as i stood in the kitchen looking at MWB through tears, i told him i was going to reach out to the Wellness Way to see if they could see me sooner. i honestly had little idea of what i’d even say at my appointment or how i’d explain all that had occurred over the last few years, but something in my soul said DO IT.
i called the next morning and spoke to sweet LynDee. i basically dumped my life story on her and she listened with patience and grace. i cried on that phone call as she told me i could be seen the next morning – FINALLY, i felt, i was about to step into HEALTH from the inside out which is not something you receive with the typical healthcare approach. in our healthcare system, for the most part – we work from the OUTSIDE IN. and that’s not always what’s best.
sometimes when you sense change is coming and it finally does, it takes your breath away in the best of ways. this phone call was that for me.
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fast forward to the present:
i’m working with Dr. Shannon at the Wellness Way and it’s already been eyeopening. during my first visit, we went over all of the labs my doctor had taken. Dr. Shannon immediately asked if my FULL thyroid panel had ever been pulled. i thought it had, but it hadn’t. y’all – WHY?! we took x-rays of my entire body to recognize skeletal imbalances and inflammation. i’ve also had 2 blood tests, a 3-day urine test and a 3-day stool test [yup!] and we’ll go over these results this coming Monday, March 14th. I CANNOT WAIT.
more to come – but for now i’ll leave this here:
i’m digging into it all – for myself to heal and grow and change and continue to become the very best me i can be for me. but also – for you.
i posted a few instagram polls this past week to see how people felt overall with regard to their own health. the most eye opening data for me were these poll results [data from an average of 2k poll responses the majority of which were women]:
- few people know how to define ‘health’
- when asked if people felt more healthy than not overall, 60% said NO [y’all!!!!!]
- when asked how individuals experience MOST stress in their day-to-day, the majority of responses involved work, navigating their own health journeys with regard to exercise/nutrition/understanding their bodies + and family life [kids + spouse]
- over half of the respondents answered YES when asked if stress has caused PHYSICAL implications in their lives
- 95% of respondents believe stress steals joy from their lives
- 100% of respondents answered that if less stress meant more health in their lives, they’d be willing to put in the work to make changes [AMAZING, but we know we still don’t budge with this being said – so interesting…!]
- 100% of respondents answered that they believe that they are 100% responsible for living a healthy and well-rounded life
WOWZA.
as i continue to share, i hope that one of your biggest takeaways is to be FOR yourself. to trust your gut [pun intended!]. to do your own digging. and to be WILLING to do the hard work. health + healing are hard work. and it’s work that i am 100% sure is worth it.
we’re either going to invest in our health now OR we’re going to be forced to invest in our health later. WE get to choose.
as i continue to progress forward, review test results, etc. i’ll continue to share. i’m here as an open book.
AND: coming down the pipeline – lots of chat about STRESS in my own life over the years and how it has been a catalyst in wrecking me from the inside out.
and yet still, there is hope.
SCB.